If you’re a parent working through a divorce one of your biggest worries is probably making sure that your child gets to enjoy a normal, carefree childhood and grows into a well adjusted adult.

You want to make sure that your child grows up with a healthy view of romantic relationships, but it can be hard to do that if you feel like you’ve failed at love. You want your child to know that family sticks together through the toughest times, but what does that look like when the family is split by divorce?

Divorce changes your child’s world profoundly. How you manage those changes will make all the difference in how they cope. Try working on these 6 methods for making sure your child is insulated from the complications of divorce.

1. Don’t use your child as a communication device.

Couples who have been through a rough divorce naturally want to avoid speaking to one another, but using your child as a human telephone isn’t the workaround. Don’t ask your kid to pass along info to your ex on your behalf. Not only are they likely to get the message wrong; they’ll also feel burdened by the responsibility of being your go-between.

2. Don’t “bad mouth” your ex.

The same rule applies to your ex’s new spouse/romantic partner, your ex’s friends, and your ex’s family. Avoid using me vs. them language around your child. If your child has complaints about your ex listen to them supportively. Validate their feelings but don’t chime in.
It’s normal for kids to try to pit their parents against each other-even when there hasn’t been a divorce. If there are real concerns that need to be addressed, do it when the child is not around either of you.
No good will come of trying to turn your child against your ex. It will only confuse your child and cause them anxiety in their youth, and it will make them angry at you in their adulthood.

3. Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings about the divorce.

Your child may be angry at one or both of you for not staying together; let them know they’re allowed to be. Allow them to ask questions and provide them with answers that are best suited for their maturity level. If the marriage is ending because of something that affected the whole family (i.e. alcoholism, abuse, abandonment), then let your child express their feelings about how they were affected. It’s okay to let your child know that you are upset too, as long as you aren’t using them as a shoulder to cry on or burdening them with your feelings. (It may be difficult to express your feelings without bad-mouthing your ex, so it’s best to focus on listening and being supportive here).

4. Be there for your child, even when your child is not there for you.

Don’t make your child feel guilty if they don’t return your calls or texts while they are in your ex’s care. Children don’t always have a lot to say to adults anyway-they much prefer the company of other kids their age. Kids are busy with the full time job that is growing up. They needn’t worry themselves with validating the adults in their lives with constant companionship. That’s a sign that your kid is normal. Don’t try to make your child feel guilty to convince them to spend time with you-it’s rotten parenting and it won’t work! It will drive them further from you. Instead, make sure your child knows that you are always available when they need you with open-ended offers like, “You can call me any time,” or “I’m here if you need to talk.”

5. Make sure your extended family knows what is expected of them in regards to your ex and the child.

Instruct family members on how to deal with it when your ex becomes a topic of conversation while your child is around. If a family member speaks ill of your ex around your child, shut it down immediately. And if the child is in the house, assume they can hear you. They can probably hear you outside too. It’s amazing how well those little ears hear when you don’t think they’re listening.

6. Do these things even if your ex does not.

If your ex is dead-set on “winning the divorce” and they can’t get on board with setting aside your differences for the sake of your child’s well-being, then it becomes even more important for you to take the high road. It will be difficult, and it may hurt your pride. But you need to put up a harmonious front in front of your kids.

We all get just one childhood. As parents we strive to protect our kids from the big worries of the world so they can have the cheery childhood they deserve. Divorce can be a big worry, but your child can come out of a divorce happy and well-adjusted if you make them your top priority.

-Alex